What It's Like to Write Jokes for President Obama

(The New York Times)

What It's Like to Write Jokes for President Obama = Work hard; smart wit is OK, tiniest jape too feeble.

Anagram: Russ Atkinson

Female Ted Cruz Lookalike Agrees To Do Porn For $10,000

(Huffington Post)

Searcy Hayes = Aye, she scary! = Aye, he's scary!

Anagram: Julian Lofts

White House 2016: Clinton Gears Up for Trump in Fall Race

(The New York Times)

Who should be voted in as the American President? = One best case: I wish I don't have Donald Trump here! = Top name Clinton deserves a hard White House bid = Hard to choose a super mind between the invalids!

Anagram: Josiah Winslow, Caricature: DonkeyHotey

Firefighters Rescue Cops Stuck In Elevator

(MSN)

Firefighters Rescue Cops Stuck In Elevator = Greater stuff: service heros unstick police

Anagram: Russ Atkinson, Photo: CBS Interactive

Russian 'eternal flame' replaced by cardboard painting

(BBC)

Russian 'eternal flame' replaced by cardboard painting = A grand, true, symbolic fire can't end! A paper is real bland!

Anagram: Josiah Winslow, Photo: Vitaly Nevar / Novy Kaliningrad

If Donald Trump Were a Woman, He'd Have Zero Percent of the Vote

(Rolling Stone)

If Donald Trump Were a Woman, He'd Have Zero Percent of the Vote = What? I hope we never do vote for the crazed female "Donna Trump".

Anagram: Josiah Winslow, Photo: misery722

Protest Turns Violent at Trump Rally

(ABC News)

Protest Turns Violent at Trump Rally = Plan: start Trump revolution. Let's try!

Anagram: Josiah Winslow, Caricature: Yanito Freminoshi

Can Donald Trump really win the White House?

(Quartz)

President of the United States of America = I'd restate: Trump office set in stone ahead.

Anagram: Josiah Winslow, Illustration: KAZ Vorpal

Obama's cold peace is right goal for Middle East

(The Arizona Republic)

United States of America = Refuse action at Mid-East

Anagram: Josiah Winslow

Tully: A doctor's diagnosis: Donald Trump is a bully

(Indianapolis Star)

Tully: A doctor's diagnosis: Donald Trump is a bully = Plus loud idiot's incurably mad and totally gross!

Anagram: Maurice Goddard, Photo: Mike Licht

Leicester City stand on the brink of a remarkable Premier League title... but who are the men behind their success?

(Daily Mail)

A List of Some of the Managers/Coaches of the English Premier League Football Clubs 1. Arsene Wenger 2. (Sir Alex Ferguson followed by) the Netherlands' Louis van Gaal 3. Jose Mourinho 4. Jurgen Klopp 5. Sam Allardyce 6. Terry McDermott 7. Slaven Bilic 8. Kenny Jackett 9. Paul Lambert 10. Claudio Ranieri 11. Mauricio Pochettino

=

Some are foreign or not 1. Arsenal 2. Man U (hah, a stupid joke - poor performance) 3. Chelsea (he just left - has megalomania, OK) 4. LFC 5. Spurs 6. Newcastle 7. Hammers 8. Wolves 9. Blackburn Rovers 10. Leicester City (jubilantly excel, leading the tough competition) 11. Sunderland (a bloody terrible failure! Gloomily facing relegation?)

Anagram: Julian Lofts, Photo: Ronnie Macdonald

Donald Trump denies allegations he raped teenage girl at convicted paedophile's sex party

(The Herald)

Is Donald Trump a clandestine paedophile? = A child, teen? I'm appalled, astounded! Prison?

Anagram: Julian Lofts

Donald Trump: If Hillary Clinton were a man she would get less than five per cent of vote

(The Daily Telegraph)

Donald Trump: If Hillary Clinton were a man she would get less than five per cent of vote = Those mean words tell much of one infernally rotten, well-depraved, fat chauvinist pig!

Anagram: Maurice Goddard, Illustration: DonkeyHotey

Italy Uncovers Islamist Plot to Attack Vatican and Israeli Embassy

(Newsweek)

Italy has uncovered an Islamist plot to attack the Vatican = Very vicious plan: latest task - attain death to Catholic man

Anagram: Aronas Pinchas, Photo: Christopher Lance

Ted Cruz names Carly Fiorina as VP pick

(CNN)

Ted Cruz names Carly Fiorina as VP pick = First, a crazy rival...second, pickup name?

Anagram: Josiah Winslow, Illustration: TJ Hawk

University of Washington Cheerleading Squad Slammed for Poster with Body Requirements

(People)

University of Washington cheerleading squad slammed for poster with body requirements = Quest for tender maidens in gym shorts. Prerequisites: 'beachy glow', 'hair down', 'volume' and 'fit'

Anagram: Jason Lofts, Poster: UW

Start preparing for Donald Trump to become the Republican nominee

(Deutsche Welle)

"Donald J. Trump is the very definition of the American success story, continually setting the standards of excellence in business, real estate and entertainment"^* = This Republican nominee contender is an utterly moronic, inveterate sexist, a detested, ghastly, daft man just full of hysterical nonsense and racist tendencies
^* from Donald Trump's website

Anagram: Jason Lofts, Photo: shygurl88

FBI won't reveal method for cracking San Bernardino iPhone

(Washington Post)

FBI won't reveal method for cracking San Bernardino iPhone = Now, no one receives plan, for it might backfire hard on brand

Anagram: Josiah Winslow, Photo: Noticias Seguridad

Why Elizabeth Warren Would Have More Clout As Hillary Clinton's VP

(Huffington Post)

Why Elizabeth Warren Would Have More Clout As Hillary Clinton's VP = An all-clever whiz, power-woman should thus ably nail victory there?

Anagram: Maurice Goddard, Image: Moishe Friedman

Cruz and Kasich take on Trump

(US News & World Report)

Cruz and Kasich take on Trump = Men's pact: run, kick out hazard.

Anagram: Josiah Winslow, Caricature: DonkeyHotey

One part Nixon, two parts Wallace: Donald Trump represents the worst of a bygone America

(Salon)

One part Nixon, two parts Wallace: Donald Trump represents the worst of a bygone America = Nasty rodent repeats pattern now: Xenophobic megalomaniac lusts after warlord power.

Anagram: Maurice Goddard, Caricature: DonkeyHotey

Boehner wants Paul Ryan for president

(MSN)

Boehner wants Paul Ryan for president = Say, power baron lined up fresh entrant

Anagram: Russ Atkinson, Illustration: T.J. Hawk

Prince Dead At 57

(TMZ)

Prince is dead = I ascended. RIP.

Anagram: Josiah Winslow, Illustration: G Ross

Alton Towers owner facing huge fine after pleading guilty over Smiler crash

(St. Helens Star)

Alton Towers = Lot to answer

Anagram: Jason Lofts

The Bunyadi: London gets its first naked restaurant

(The Week)

The Bunyadi: London gets its first naked restaurant = Featuring randy nudists that dine on steak, lobster... = Bistrot feeds nudes trying a natural diet. No thanks!

Anagram: Jason Lofts, Photo: Thomas Hawk

Six ex-'Apprentice' stars to disavow Donald Trump for his 'anti-American' campaign

(New York Daily News)

Six ex-'Apprentice' stars to disavow Donald Trump for his 'anti-American' campaign = Paranoid pig's rot saw putrid sexism, racism, toxic hate, and rampant fan violence!

Anagram: Maurice Goddard

At Israeli brewery, last sip of beer Jesus might have drunk

(MSN)

At Israeli brewery, last sip of beer Jesus might have drunk = I hear Jewish guys taste rare bible drink; flavor upsets me.

Anagram: Russ Atkinson

Trump's campaign may see some fallout from its fight with the RNC

(CNN)

Trump's campaign may see some fallout from its fight with the RNC = In truth, creepy mogul is a fast-scoffing mammoth wimp that leers!

Anagram: Maurice Goddard

Couple Sits On Bench

(Huffington Post)

Couple sits on bench. After a while they got up = Scene's nice: the two photograph beautifully

Anagram: Robert Jordan, Photo: British High Commission

Trump's foreign policy alarms the world

(The Sun Daily)

Trump's foreign policy alarms the world = Cipher for "Troglodyte plans Muslim war"

Anagram: Jason Lofts

Mars Food tells customers to go easy on the pasta sauce

(Daily Mail)

Mars Food tells customers to go easy on the pasta sauce = To analyse: Seems too processed, too much salt, sugar, fat

Anagram: Jason Lofts, Photo: wazabees

Bernie Sanders attacks capitalism during trip to Vatican

(USA Today)

Bernie Sanders attacks capitalism during trip to Vatican = "A decadent vice, sir! Trump's a stinking baron capitalist rat!"

Anagram: Maurice Goddard

Godzilla-Like Marine Iguana Filmed Foraging In The Waters Of The Galapagos Islands

(IFLScience)

Photographer Steve Winkworth captures this Godzilla-like marine iguana underwater ~ or whenever a Galapagos lizard lurks in the ocean we think it's a turgid whopper, I mutter.

Anagram: Julian Lofts

Colourful 'vomit-like' Australian $5 note unveiled

(MSN)

Colourful 'vomit-like' Australian currency unveiled = "Anomalous ickier fiver unloved, uncultural," I let cry

Anagram: Russ Atkinson

Inky the Octopus escapes from the National Aquarium of New Zealand

(ABC News)

Inky the Octopus escapes from the National Aquarium of New Zealand = Ha, fit male cephalopod squeezes out of tank, now in marine sanctuary!

Anagram: Jason Lofts

The Conservatives - We are the Nasty Party

(Huffington Post)

The Conservatives - We are the nasty party = Yet investors cheat peasantry whatever

Anagram: Robert Jordan, Image: Teacher Dude

MTV Movie Awards: Melissa McCarthy makes history as first woman to win Comedic Genius Award

(Entertainment Weekly)

The obese comedian Melissa Ann McCarthy = Tenably, she's an immense comedic actor. Ha!

Anagram: Julian Lofts

The Archbishop of Canterbury learns his real father was Churchill's private secretary

(BBC)

The Archbishop of Canterbury, the Most Reverend Justin Welby ~ frets, overwhelmed by paternity. Ha, he's just not born cherubic!

Anagram: Julian Lofts, Photo: IMF

Cubans facing beer shortage as thirsty American tourists put island's main brewery under strain

(The Independent)

Cubans facing beer shortage as thirsty American tourists put island's main brewery under strain = Sunny Caribbean country (its rum is rather grand) has amber deficit as transient US topers swig ale

Anagram: Jason Lofts, Photo: lezumbalaberenjena

Mossack Fonseca: inside the firm that helps the super-rich hide their money

(The Guardian)

Mossack Fonseca = A scam? OK, confess!

Anagram: Julian Lofts

Former Sailor Cleared of Murder, Rape After Spending 33 Years in Prison Speaks Out

(Yahoo!)

Keith Allen Harward = Law had real rethink

Anagram: Aronas Pinchas

Entire Batcave recreated from scratch using LEGOs

(MSN)

Entire Batcave recreated from scratch using LEGOs = Venturer crafts garish, elegant, comic, secret abode

Anagram: Russ Atkinson, Photo: Dan Glasure

Nude painting of Donald Trump goes on display in London

(The Daily Telegraph)

Nude portrait "Make America Great Again" = A tragic dream - peek at a miniature organ

Anagram: Julian Lofts

Bernie Sanders Wins Wyoming Democratic Caucuses

(The New York Times)

Bernie Sanders wins Wyoming Democratic caucuses = By now, me securing success worries main candidate.

Anagram: Josiah Winslow, Caricature: DonkeyHotey

Scientists find no trace of Neanderthal Y-chromosomes in modern humans

(Christian Science Monitor)

Scientists find no trace of Neanderthal Y-chromosomes in modern humans = Seems it's in the manic con-man, fishy, coarse front-runner, The Donald. Dooms!

Anagram: Maurice Goddard, Cartoon: Mike Luckovich

The rise of Donald Trump is a terrifying moment in American politics

(Vox)

The rise of Donald Trump is a terrifying moment in American politics = If president (POTUS), moronic man is in charge of military. Detrimental!

Anagram: Jason Lofts

D-Day veteran proposes to childhood sweetheart

(The Independent)

The love story to end all love stories. Roy Vickerman and Nora Jackson called off their wedding in 1946 but were reunited when Roy called Graham Torrington's BBC radio show. Now, 70 years on, they're going to get married.

Posted by BBC Midlands Today on Monday, April 4, 2016

D-Day veteran proposes to childhood sweetheart = Very old, stooped chap to wed his dearest on earth

Anagram: Russ Atkinson

Donald Trump Throws A Tantrum And Accuses Ted Cruz Of Illegal Activity In Wisconsin

(PoliticusUSA)

Donald Trump Throws A Tantrum And Accuses Ted Cruz Of Illegal Activity In Wisconsin = Crazy Presidential candidate sworn that rival's misconduct got unlawful miscount

Anagram: Josiah Winslow, Caricature: DonkeyHotey

People Can't Stop Vandalizing Donald Trump's Star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame

(Vanity Fair)

People Can't Stop Vandalizing Donald Trump's Star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame = All Nazi swastikas left on top happen to tell much of a proven dodgy worm, Donald

Anagram: Maurice Goddard, Illustration: DonkeyHotey)

Panama Papers: Mossack Fonseca leak reveals elite's tax havens

(BBC)

The Panama Papers = Phat names appear

Anagram: Julian Lofts, Photo: Christopher Dombres)

Reykjavik, Iceland shown in video ad as Rhode Island capital

(MSN)

Reykjavik, Iceland shown in video ad as Rhode Island capital = Oh, ad lady pilloried, sacked when R.I. is a Scandinavian TV joke.

(Anagram: Russ Atkinson)

Could It Be That Vladimir Putin and Wendi Deng Are in Love?

(Vanity Fair)

Businesswoman Wendi Deng's three most prestigious sweethearts
1. Rupert Murdoch
2. Tony Blair
3. Vladimir Putin
=
1. Very old media mogul (now that's gross!)
2. An unctuous British Prime Minister (dweeb)
3. The Russian President (twerp).

Anagram: Julian Lofts; Photo: orionpozo

Transcript: Donald Trump interview with Bob Woodward and Robert Costa

(Washington Post)

Transcript: Donald Trump interview with Bob Woodward and Robert Costa = A window into abhorrent twirp's drivel, dumb rot, and bad-to-worst crap, etc!

Anagram: Maurice Goddard, Illustration: DonkeyHotey

Blue Origin's reusable rocket just stuck its third landing

(Wired)

Blue Origin's reusable rocket = Eek, our burner goes ballistic!

(by Julian Lofts)

International Pillow Fight Day - in pictures

(The Guardian)

Photo: Lynn Friedman

International Pillow Fight Day ~ today - infantile wallop, hit, grin!

(by Julian Lofts)